When I was thirteen years old, I had a traumatic experience, which kicked me out of my body. It actually kicked me out for many years too years to get back in. I was left feeling like an empty shell as if I was a house that I was renting but had no furniture in it.
My journey has always been about getting back into my body and remembering all my memories from the night that I was gang raped by two men.
When my eldest daughter turned thirteen, all of my memories came flooding back and at first I thought that I was going mad. I mean, if it was so bad surely I would remember it? Now, as a psychotherapist I understand that the mind has the ability to shut trauma out until we are ready to deal with it even if I didn’t agree with my mind!
Looking back, I wish I could go back in time and tell myself to get out of the way of myself as I could have saved years and a lot of money. I refused to believe what I was being shown as if somehow it was a reflection of me. Now I understand that was my shame lying to me.
My therapist could see my struggle with denial and refusing to believe the facts and suggested that I go for some therapeutic body work. The very first time I went, I could hear this person whilst I was lying on the massage table, crying, kicking and fighting with the therapist.
I wondered “who was making all of that noise” and then I realised that it was coming from me! It left me feeling embarrassed but once I got past that it was so reassuring as I knew that I could trust my body. I couldn’t trust my mind, but I knew I couldn’t react that way on purpose
And that led me on a journey of trying so many different types of therapies in order to connect back into my body to integrate my mind and body to become more grounded. Any time that I feel out of control or outside of myself, I come back to my body to connect to balance myself.
Since lockdown there have been times that I’ve felt out of control and overwhelmed but coming back to my body brings me back in and keeps me steady.
Finding ways to connect back in then and now has been so helpful. I’ve been practising yoga every day, breathing meditations and last night I experienced my first online karate class!
How do you keep yourself grounded in these uncertain times?